What you Did
Thank you, thank you, so much for your responses here and on IG yesterday.
I did not expect that level of support and I’m just so, so grateful to you. I cried in my bathroom like an idiot. You cracked my heart armor. 💕 What do I mean by that...let me (try to) explain.
But first, here's the thing. I don't want to talk about the person who has hurt me so much for so long. I don't like talking about people in a negative way, when I do it, I feel sick. I have no desire to slander anyone, or to make anyone dislike another person.
But I need to exhale the deeply traumatic life I have lived for the past decade and a half.
"Traumatic? That's a strong word. Are you sure you're not being overly emotional, sensitive, dramatic?" Even now I ask myself that almost hourly. I've been twisted and confused for so long, I don't know which feelings are real, where I'm right and where I'm wrong. My family calls it trauma, my therapist calls it trauma, my friends who have seen it agree that my experiences have been serious. Even my body responds as if it's been traumatized. But my mind has been caged by messages of shame for so long, that even with the key to freedom in my hand, I can't turn the latch. It feels wrong to allow myself to be the victim. I must be in the wrong, somehow. It *must* be me. And I will reason and consider and theorize until I have decided that it was my fault all along. My heart is iron-clad set against my own soul.
But yesterday, you all wrote things, such kind things. Things about a girl who used to blog, and how you loved her, and I believed you. And for a few moments I understood that girl was me, is me, and I felt loved, and valued, and worth something after all. And you GUYS. Words have power, and you used that power for such good, and it mattered, and it changed things, and I just need you to know that. It was a minute or two of your day, a brief pause in your scroll. But for me it was life-changing, and I'm not exaggerating.
Thank you for your kindness and love. You are like our God, and I love you.
The denial/shame of pain and trauma is so real. I've dealt with my share of religious trauma and various other things, and I've found myself wondering the same: "Am I just being dramatic? It wasn't 'as bad' as it could have been," etc. etc. But how truly powerful it is when we are honest about our trauma! It's that idea of giving name to a thing so it no longer has the same power over you. We are all glad to be here lifting you up and cheering you on, and I'm so glad you are able to start returning to your honest and lovely self. We do love that girl, and it IS you!ReplyDelete
Disney, I am so glad to know how you are going and am sorry life has been so hard for you. Just know that you are not alone even though it must feel like it. Big hugs from Australia. 🥀🌼🌺ReplyDelete
I am so, so happy to hear from you! I always checked in, hoping to hear from you! I wish you all the strength in the world and I know you will find you way and thrive!ReplyDelete
You are so brave to just step out of that circle! Never forget: you are awesome and worthy and deserve all the good things in life! <3ReplyDelete
Glad to hear from you! I'm totally confident that you'll pull through! It won't be easy but in the end you'll say 'I did it!'. XOXOReplyDelete