I Wonder if King David Was Embarrassed
I've been struggling with embarrassment lately over the fact that I've basically had a public mental breakdown these last few months. (No big. 😅 Any other over-thinkers out there?)
It's not just me over-thinking...I deal with my pain in a way that is less discreet than many people do, and several people have let me know that they don't think it is ideal. (They don't know that I already have a very loud voice in my head sending that message, haha, but they are just trying to be good friends I think.)
But if King David kept his emotions to himself, we wouldn't have many of our favorite and most comforting psalms.
Someone once said that our level of pain is directly connected to our level of love. That made sense to me, and it certainly rang true to my experiences. God is love, and the more of God/Love you have, the more deeply you will feel anything that lacks the presence of God. We call that "pain" sometimes. And so my pain is directly connected to my relationship with God, and when I talk about my pain, I talk about my God. That is what David did, it's what he couldn't HELP doing. And my heart is the same.
So I AM embarrassed, but I put that humiliation on the alter before God. I don't need to be thought well of, though I desperately want to be. I'm not saying this to get affirming responses, I hope so much that you know that by now. I just thought it might help some of you who are similar to me in temperament.
Also! You never know who you are helping with the thoughts you share. After my sister's suicide years ago, I was embarrassed about how much I over-shared my pain. (One person even sent a DM to let me know that I should be over it by then, and should think of counseling. Ouch.) I always cringed when I looked back on that time. But a not long ago, a reader messaged to let me know that my shared thoughts at that time helped inspire her to repair her relationship with her brother, who, unbeknownst to her, she didn't have much time left with. She will never know how much hearing that meant to me. I think of it so often when I am feeling ashamed of my tell-all nature.
Whoever you are, however you cope, God can use it, and wants to use it. He made you like that, and he likes you like that. Your time of darkness is a canvas for his Light.
Love you friends!