March 22, 2010




This Saturday is my husband's birthday.
It also marks the 1-year anniversary of the baby we lost during pregnancy last March. I was only a little over 2 months along.....but have you seen what a baby looks like at two months? It has eyes, ears a little nose, mouth, fingers, toes, and a little beating heart :o) For two months I cared and planned for it, I started exercising more, changed my eating habits, even gave up drinking soda. (That's love) I was positive that it was a boy (just like I knew Paige was a girl) and I already had a name picked out for him, a nursery theme, and a few little outfits that I couldn't resist buying. We told our friends and family, everyone at the church we attended, and also the church we were moving to. We couldn't help it, we were very excited :o) And everything we'd cared for and hoped for, for two months, was gone in a few seconds. It was (literally) flushed down the toilet. I never even got to see it.
I needed to see it.
I could barely walk into that bathroom afterwards, and I think I cried more that week than the rest of my life combined.
I know that miscarriages are very common (as my Dr. kept reminding me over and over again), but it still changes you a little. I'm not really sure I've gotten over it yet. And for some reason, at 3:45 AM, I woke up thinking about it again, like it had just happened. And even though that little baby is luckier than any of us, to enjoy the splendor of heaven without the hardships of this place, the loss of life is just so scarring. It made me a different person.
I'm not sure why I'm writing a post about this, I'm not the person to do that type of thing normally, and I try to keep things upbeat. :0) But I guess the truth is, I don't really have anyone to talk to right now, and even if I did, I'm not sure that I would. Words are easier typed than said, aren't they?
So please forgive my wearing my heart on my sleeve for a day. :o) Maybe some of you can relate.

And God bless all those little sweethearts that we never got to hear say "mama".

293 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve Disney. The irony here is whilst I read your blog post and shed a little tear, the song playing on my ipod is Charlie Chaplins Smile... thinking of you x

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  2. Disney,
    Your most made me cry. I am currently 3 months pregnant for the first time and due to some complications, we know the pregancy will likely not continue. It has been devastating for us and we hope each week (I have a weekly u/s) for good news, but that has not been case so far. It is reassuring to know that there are others going through the same thing and that you don't have to be strong all the time. You will definitely be in my thoughts today. I can't say enough how much the prayers and love from my friends have been helping me through this time. Thank for for sharing.

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  3. Disney,

    I lost a baby at 13 weeks nearly 6 years ago and have since birthed two healthy babies. One boy and one girl, now 4 and 3. I still ache for this baby who I was convinced was a girl, named her, and told all of her existence. I found a picture of her ultrasound in my husbands wallet the other day, and I know he still aches for her as well. It does change you, and it is understandable to be sad about it. I try to help the pain guide me toward being more present with my children who are still here with me daily. I share in your grief and will keep you in my prayers today.

    Allison

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  4. <3 to you.

    I know how you feel. We'll get to see them again one day. I promise!

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  5. God is good, all the time, even when we don't understand His plan. I am very sorry for you and your husband's loss. I think it will become easier with time. It is comforting to know that God never wastes anything that happens in our lives. He will use this and even this post could be ministering to someone who is in that same position. I am glad that in the midst of the many great talents the Lord has obviously bestowed on you, He has also given you an avenue for ministry here. I am a pastor's wife and just recently started reading your blog and have been impressed by what you can do with your hands, today I am most impressed by your heart. May God use you and this blog to bring glory to His name!
    andrea@joyindeed.com

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  6. My heart breaks for you and all the mom's that have lost a little one. Even though this post brought some tears this morning, it also felt like a celebration for all the tiny blessings we will some day see again! He doesn't give us what we can't handle.
    And Happy early Birthday to your hubby! My husband celebrated a birthday this past Saturday

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  7. Disney, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new to your blog (absolutely loving it!) and your joy in the Lord shines through so much. We'll never understand the hard things that happen in this life, but the reunion in heaven will be sweet. I'll be thinking about you and your family this week!

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in thoughts and prayers. It's terrible to lose a child no matter how old or how they die. Never Forgotten! Have a blessed day. http://lafeshiddentreasures.blogspot.com/

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  9. It's been nearly a decade since I had a miscarriage and I still mark the loss, even if just in my own thoughts. And you are right, even if you had someone to talk to, you might not. I never do...not even to my husband. Best wishes to you.

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  10. Thanks so much for sharing with us- I agree words are easier typed at times. Praying for the blessing of mercy and comfort in your life today.

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  11. Glad you shared this. I have so many friends struggling right now with this same thing. I pray that God will give them the strenghth to get through it. Its good to know people are going through the same thing.
    Kim
    footballsanddaisies@blogger.com

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  12. Sometimes it is the ear of a stranger that you need to borrow to just let things out. I have never lost a baby. But I do understand the fear. As when I was pregnant I was high risk and I almost lost him so many times. I think it's beautiful that you celebrate your baby.

    Take Care

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  13. Disney-

    I have followed your blog for a few months now and just love all of your creative ideas and projects. I have never commented on your posts before, but felt compelled to after reading this morning's post. I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks in between my two daughters. Mine ended the same way yours did and I still have nightmares. It was the worst possible thing I have ever been through in my life. The only somewhat comforting thing that came from the experience was finding out how truly common it is - so many friends and neighbors told me about their similar experiences and I never knew until that time that they had similar experiences. I had to trust in the fact that God had a bigger plan in place and it was true - otherwise, I wouldn't have my very special and challenging daughter Addison. I still haven't forgotten about my lost child - I think about that child on a daily basis. And, every March 5th is a sad day for me. I am sorry that we have this in common, but know that there are people out here who can relate and sympathize with you.

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  14. babies are a blessing and they're brought into your life for a very important reason. what's best... is that although you never saw him or held him he was able to accomplish so much in YOUR life. amazing, isn't it?
    i'm sorry for your loss.

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  15. Having lost a child at 28 weeks into a pregnancy and also 2 others at the same stage you were, trust me, we all understand. Time does help to heal, but it is something that will always be there. I tried 5 times and have 2 beautiful daughters, the oldest turning 20 in just a few weeks. Keep those in your heart that have passed, but treasure those that are in your presence everyday. They are truly all gifts. Smile, it helps.

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  16. Disney, I'm so sorry. I don't have words to make it better-- words can't do that in this situation-- but I am very, very sorry.

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  17. I'll be praying for you today. Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt.

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  18. Sending you all much love today xox

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  19. Disney, I am so touched with this post. Thank you for opening your heart to us like that! I found out recently I'll never have a baby in my belly - after 5 years of hoping and waiting and after 5 in vitro attempts. that means 10 embryo's were "put" inside of me and none of them stayed. That means that at some point these 10 mini human beings were too flushed down the toilet. and I can't help thinking about that. and every time I do, I cry. for hours

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  20. (((Disney)))

    It is very painful to lose a little one and the dreams you had for him or her. I am praying for you today.

    Kariann

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  21. I had a miscarriage earlier this year and I'm right there with you. . .it sucks! And it has changed me forever. Love your blog, and love you for sharing this. That's all.

    melissa

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  22. I also know what that hurt feels like. I have 6 children, but only 3 are here with me on earth. It really is such a comfort knowing that you're not the only one. Or it was for me anyway. Not that you want anyone else to have to walk through hardships, but to not feel alone helps. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  23. You described my experience exactly. I had my one and only pregnancy, and miscarriage, 10 years ago at age 40 and never, ever got over it. It changed me completely. (Your post was difficult to read as I felt the old emotions flood back in).

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  24. While I have never known this kind of pain, your post really touched me. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve.

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  25. Oh Disney, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what it must be like. My son was 4 weeks early and on oxygen for a week. I remeber going home from the hospital without him. I couldn't stop crying. From the time I was wheelchaired out of the hospital until I went to bed I sobbed. I can't imagine losing a baby!!!! I will keep you in my prayers!!!!!!!!

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  26. Thanks for posting these words. I have been following your blog for just a short while but look forward to your posts. I agree with everything you stated. It's so hard to lose a baby to miscarriage and I think the pain never goes away but you have a good outlook on life. Chin up gorgeous and thanks again for your words.

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  27. Disney I completely understand - - I lost my second pregnancy at 8 weeks (ectopic pregnancy) and I still feel as though I mourn that loss, 5 years later. The moment you find out you are pregnant, there is no way NOT to be completely in love, and to have it end abruptly and unexpectedly is devestating. I will forever be the mother of three, although only two are here on earth. Sending healing thoughts your way today - - I found your post very moving and I am glad you wrote it.

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  28. I had a miscarriage about 2 years ago, at about 3 months along. I think they are way more common than even Doctor's realize.
    I got pregnant right after and now have a sweet little girl. I'm sure these things happen for a reason but they are hard when they first hit.

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  29. We lost our little one at 9 weeks almost 4 years ago. Even after giving birth to our wonderful daughter, I have never forgotten that baby. I wear a "forget-me-not" charm on my bracelet in honor of her (I feel like it was a girl). Just like you, the miscarriage changed me in some way but it has gotten easier with time. Thanks for posting about this, I know it was hard for you.

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  30. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way as you continue through the grieving process. We lost our own to miscarriage at 9 weeks on 10/8/07, but God sent us a baby several months later and it's still so hard to remember back to those weeks of pain, but know that God had a plan for our family, and we can't imagine life without our Bekah, who will be two years old this summer. It surely wasn't our plan, but we serve a Maker who is so much more than we can ever be. May God continue to give you strength to make it through each day.

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  31. I Disney, I'm from Portugal and I'm 8 weeks pregnant, I was very touched by your post, this is the bigest fear I have, to loose my precious baby, you are the first person who I share this with, well, we never know the exact reason of thigns, I just know your post make me a small tear but, at the same time a big hope! Cannot explain, Just the words: thank you! for sharing.
    Cintia

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  32. Oh sweetie...I know your pain. It's okay to feel this sadness again and again. My baby died in utero at 17 weeks and then I had a m/c at 6 weeks also. It was so hard, and I think about them often...."we weep for that which would have been". I hope you have a better day now that you were able to discuss your feelings out loud. :)

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  33. i hear you, and i get it b/c i've been there. grieving is good, though, so go ahead, however long it takes.

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  34. Thank you for sharing your pain. We lost a baby in November 2008 at about 12 weeks along and it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I feel like everyone else forgets about it because they never saw my belly grow, but the pain is still very real and present for me. And while I know Jesus wants to take that pain away and carry the burden for me, I'm just not yet to the point where my heart doesn't feel like it has a baby-shaped void. I will be praying for you throughout the week that you will have a peace that only the Lord can provide.

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  35. It breaks my heart to hear that your family had to experience a loss like that. You seem as if you are doing wonderfully now and loving your daughter and husband all the more for it.
    Thank you for sharing something so personal - we're all here to offer support and encouragement to each other!

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  36. Don't force yourself to be upbeat - you're allowed to mourn the death of your child. It wonderful to remind ourselves that "that little baby is luckier than any of us, to enjoy the splendor of heaven without the hardships of this place". Praying for you x x x

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  37. I lost a baby just about two months ago. I was almost 3 months along. I have two other beautiful children, who thrill my heart, but I grieve the loss of this one greatly. The pain of it hits out of the blue sometimes. I am a mother of 3, but I only get to hug two of my kids right now. I love knowing that one day I will get to hold my 3rd, meet her (I know it was a girl...somehow I just know), learn all about her. But for now my heart is sad too. I completely understand, and my heart aches with you.

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  38. Disney, I am so sorry for your loss. Praise God that this earth is not our home and, someday, you will get to see your baby. Jesus is our great comforter and I hope you can lean on that truth. I'm praying for you this morning.

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  39. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that in doing so, you will bring encouragement to someone. Even just to let someone feel that they are not alone in their struggles. Blessings to you~

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  40. March 11 marked the 6th "anniversary" of the loss of our first baby. I will always remember that baby. I am a changed Momma!! I think it is important to remember them! I have two fantastic kiddos here with me on earth and 3 waiting for me in heaven. Bless those babies!!! My heart aches for you and prayers are being said on your behalf!

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  41. I am so sorry for your loss...I am new to reading your blog, but feel like I know you! I teared up thinking about how hard that must have been. I have a 16 month old daughter and there is nothing stronger than a parents love for their child. You had a nice way of saying it though....that this little one was blessed at never having to know or face the hardships, that s/he went right through to heaven.... You are a strong woman... =)

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  42. I have shared your experience, more than once. It is life changing and does change you as a person, I completely agree. My first miscarriage occured on my birthday (like yours, on your husband's) and it makes it all the more poignant I think. If you want to type, feel free to type to me and I will respond. I hope your pain eases some in time. You are not alone.

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  43. I am so sorry for your grief and pain. I can't imagine what you have gone through. I do know I was in love with my two girls the day I found out I was pregnant and your whole life changes that day. I am positive anyone who has been through this will find this post not only upbeat but comforting, calming, and feel they are not alone. Thanks for sharing something so personal. God bless...

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  44. Sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage 2 years ago this month, I don't really remember the exact date.

    It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. I miss that little baby all that the time.

    I really think mine was for the best as the relationship I was in the man turned out to be something I didn't want in a very long term situation.

    I have to agree with you, you change a little bit after going through that.

    All the best.
    xxx
    Jen.

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  45. Thanks for sharing - I'm sure you've heard "Glory Baby" by Watermark - but if not (or if any of your other readers haven't) check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FobeElssLCs

    Praying for you today!

    -Kristin

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  46. Do not be afraid to say what is in your heart, Disney. I lost two (one at 5 months and another at 2 months also) before I had my beautiful three children who are now 38, 37 and 35. I always remember those two cherubs who I hope to meet someday.
    Blessings,

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  47. I lost my baby at 9 weeks. It is amazing how much we can love such a little thing. I am sorry for your loss. It truly does change a person.

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  48. I'll send out a prayer for you today. I'm sorry you had to experience that loss.

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  49. I am so sorry you had to go thru that and yes I can relate it has happen to me 3 times and with everyone I to had made so many plans... I still think about them, but I also think that I would't have my little girls now,I had them after the miscarriages and I know that everything happens for a reason, evendo sometimes its hard to understand why.
    So keep your faith near and it will happen when it's right. p.s. happy birthday to your husband!!!

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  50. I know many many women who will see themselves here in your post. I have cried with friends who have lost their sweet babies too soon. Love and prayers. May God continue to give you comfort.

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  51. I'm sorry for your loss. The 2 year Anniversary of our still born is coming up so I can relate to your feeling.

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  52. I do understand. Having lost two pregnancies (at 10 and 13 weeks), it makes you treasure the ones you do have all the more. Don't worry about wearing your heart on your sleeve, we all do from time to time. :) And even knowing God has a better plan, doesn't totally negate the human aspect of our loss. I will be praying for you.

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  53. My prayers are with you and for all who have lost babies, even those who lost them on purpose.

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  54. IT is ok to have a sad day! i am so sorry for your lose!

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  55. You are not alone for sure. I think I cried for a solid week after my miscarriage in April of 2008. I was 8 weeks along.

    I think it does change you a little. I too already had a little girl who was 5 at the time. I also just "knew" that it was a boy, although we didn't actually get to the point of having a name.

    I will say that God is faithful, and just 2 months later, I was able to get pregnant again, and was able to have another sweet little girl in March of 2009, who just turned a year old.

    I completely understand that having no one to talk to, and I agree that typing is much easier than talking.

    Anyway, I pray that you are able to have a peaceful day in spite of the hurt. You are in my prayers.

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  56. Disney -
    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss you suffered. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
    Heather
    emilyandivory.blogspot.com

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  57. At this moment, my heart is wrapped around yours. I lost a little one too-over 30 years ago-and to this day -even tho I have four other healthy childrean-I find myself remembering when his birthday would have been and looking at little boy things ...wishing.

    Your little one is safe in the arms of God and the gift of love will always be bound and tied tightly in heart strings.
    Much love Disney girl.
    (((hugs)))

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  58. Disney,
    What a heartfelt post. You are not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    We lost our first baby at 16 weeks gestation. We, too, had told everyone about our pregnancy. I think that makes it even harder, or at least that was my experience.
    I'm happy to report I am now the proud mommy of a 3 year old boy and a 5 month old girl. For me, the pain has lessened over time. I know you will never forget that experience, but I hope you will feel better as time passes as well.
    I read your blog every day, and I am really thankful for what you do. :) (I'm a pastors kid, so I have some insight into family life with a preacher, FWIW.)
    Thanks for being so honest. You are the cats pajamas.
    Marta
    Hugs to you.

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  59. Thanks for posting this. It's good to read this, even if it doesn't feel upbeat. The pain that God carries us through usually is no fun, but it is amazing how He uses it to shape us and bless us. But it still hurts for a long long time. I'll be praying that he comforts you.

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  60. I'm so sorry you had to feel the pain of losing a child. My husband and I have lost three. We have an adorable, healthy (Thank God) two year old son, and then had two early miscarriages. Each of these devestated me and made me a different person. Then, we got pregnant with our daughter, Lucy. At 20 weeks we found out Lucy's life was going to be very short. She had Trisomy 18 which by medical standards is considered "incompatible with life". We were told not to bring a carseat to her delivery, and not to expect her to be born alive. I didn't wear fetal monitors during her delivery, because I couldn't bear knowing if she'd passed during deliver. Well, God and Lucy had different plans. She was born screaming; the BEST sound I've ever heard. Our entire family was waiting outside the door for her. She was baptised, loved, and held every second of her short five day life. Lucy came home, recieved pumped breast milk in her feeding tube (we were told not to feed her, because "babies like her" didn't need to eat) and felt the warm summer breeze on her perfect pink skin. My husband and I tried to pack a lifetime of love and advice into her short life. She came here to change us, to teach us, and to bring THOUSANDS of people to their knees in prayer. She would've been six months old last week. She passed away six months ago today. My heart is still broken, but I KNOW she was fearfully and wonderfully made, and came exactly as she was supposed to. Nothing about her was an accident or "incompatible" with anything. My four pound daughter was the strongest person I've ever met, and taught me more in five days than anyone has so far in a lifetime. I pray for peace (and more children) and will add you to my prayers as well. Thank you for sharing. I found your blog in my quest to add beauty to my life, to help me forget some of the pain, and to distract my mind by using my hands. It is amazing that we all have a story, I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sure Lucy and your little boy are playing happily together in heaven.
    xo, Jamie

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  61. I think you are perfectly normal! I found your blog a little while ago and have been very blessed by it. I love your frugality and creativity. I have a little girl named Eleanor, I think our daughters are around the same age. And a little boy named Athan that is 10 months. I do not get to craft as often as you do but I love it when I do. Thank you for ALL the time you put in to crafting and homemaking, you are teaching your Paige so much. I have a blog ---ofpigtailsanddinosaurs.blogspot.com --- it is mainly just family news, ALL our family are states away, but there is a diaper bag I made back in the older posts. I hope you have a good day and find comfort in Christ! Take care!

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  62. I want to thank you for sharing, i know that was hard. I can only imagine how difficult this still is. I think we morn the most for what could have been.

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  63. I am so sorry for your loss! I believe families are forever. He is a very lucky baby to have you as a mommy.

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  64. Beautifully written. I'm very sorry that you experienced a loss. I am not sure it's something you ever get over; it's just something you learn from and move forward from, hopefully as a better, more compassionate person. I had a miscarriage, followed by an ectopic pregnancy a month later, and while I would never wish to experience those things again, I have learned a lot from what we've been through and appreciate much more the opportunity I've been given to be a mother!

    Hugs....Summer

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  65. I know it doesn't help but I am soo sorry for your loss. God Bless.

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  66. Disney,
    Reading this made my heart break for you. I haven't personally been through this but my aunt (who is more like a sister) carried a week before her due date and the baby did not make it. The pain that we all suffered from that was indescribable. I guess I tell you my story so that you know you are not alone and that you are justified in feeling sad and angry. But to also say that although the memories will never go away the anger does and now we think of that little angel baby watching over us all.

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  67. Hi Disney,
    You are so brave for sharing your experience. It is so sad and I am so sorry for you. You will be in my prayers today.
    hels
    x

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  68. Disney~
    Thank you for such an honest post. I don't have the words to say right now, and even if I did, I know it wouldn't make your loss any better. I think you said it best when you said we just have to be thankful that all the children in Heaven don't have to bear the trials we do. I just wanted to let you know you are thought of during this difficult time. You truely are a special person! ~Amy

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  69. Oh honey my heart goes out to you! I know exactly what you are feeling and you have a right to your grief!! I lost our babies many years ago and I still think about them and what if. You had enough time to fall in love with that new life and miss out on a future together. We too shared with everyone in our excitement, then had to endure the questions and return of a nursery. Don't apologize for wearing your heart on you sleeve, we all need to some time and you have lots of loving caring friends in blogland. Big Hugs, Karen

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  70. Disney,
    So sorry to hear of your loss. Even if it was a year ago, I'm sure you still feel the heartache even today.
    thinking about you!
    Linda

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  71. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can definitely relate. My husband and I lost a little one a few years ago. We were so excited and happy and then she (I always thought this one was a girl) was gone. I still think about her and wonder, even though I went on to have 3 more (all boys).
    Go ahead and wear your heart on your sleeve...it is OK to remember your child. I know it affects our husbands and that they mourn the loss too, but sometimes I don't think they understand how strong that bond is for us from day 1.
    BTW, I hope your husband has a very happy birthday! :o)
    God Bless,
    Michelle

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  72. Oh, Disney! I'm so sorry, what a terrible heartache for you to carry. Thank you for sharing -- I'm sure many, many readers will be able to identify with your loss. Love, SleepyKnitter

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  73. Thank you so much for your honesty.
    I don't really know what to say right now. My english is not that good to explain what I mean.
    But I do get the feeling of something that small can change you forever. From the moment, I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't imagine not being pregnant. And eventhough it is that small, you love it like a full grown healthy baby.
    Well don't know if you can make any sense of it, but it is more than allright to wear your heart on your sleeve every now and then.
    Love, Joni

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  74. I'm sorry your having a rough day! Thanks for sharing a part of your life with us. You will be in my prayers, and I hope that with God's help, your heart can heal.
    Lynette

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  75. You never truly get over it. That baby will always be in your heart. I lost a set of twins almost two years ago. It still hurts. I am glad you can focus on the fact that your little boy is in heaven and enjoying all we will one day also.

    Kristen

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  76. thanks for being transparent...i miscarried a year ago too. Even though it was hard, i can say that i immediately felt the Lord place a blanket of perspective over us...reminding us of our other children, and where our baby is now. The kids will still ask about him/her now and then and get excited about meeting their sibling in heaven. We are expecting again in May. Thanks again for being real...I'm sure you were to share this for a reason, and that it's a comfort to others.

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  77. I'm sooo sorry for your loss. I have been fortunate never to have experienced miscarriage but both of my sisters have and I have several friends who have had miscarriage after miscarriage over the years and still are left childless. I can only imagine the heartbreak. At least as Christians we have the hope of seeing lost loved ones again in heaven. It's that hope that can get us through this life. Thanks for sharing your heart today. I pray that you will have another baby to hold someday if you so desire.

    God Bless,
    Hana
    MomTog Diaries

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  78. Disney -

    This is a subject that affects a lot of women. We're all a little afraid to talk about it. I'm glad you're so brave. A Local blogger (local to me, anyways) lavenderlimes.blogspot.com wrote a great article, "Why hide Miscarriage?" here: http://babble.com/When-we-lost-the-baby-I-was-glad-everyone-knew-Why-Hide-Miscarriage/

    I think a lot of women are ashamed of miscarriage. I know it's a taboo topic in my family. I can understand how personal things should be kept hush hush, but at such an emotional time, you really need a friend or family member for support.

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  79. A miscarriage is one of those things where you have sympathy for the person at loss but don't truly know what they are feeling until you experience it yourself. I'm right there with you and know how you feel....October 13, 2006. I'll never forget the day.
    *hugs*
    ~rebekah

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  80. Praying for you and your family as you approach the anniversary of this sad event.

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  81. I'm not one to leave comments, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers today. May your heart be filled with peace.

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  82. Oh, Disney! I'm sorry for your loss!I wish I could give you a big HUG! Because no matter how far along anyone is, it's still a baby! A child! A child that you made with your husband. A sibling for Paige. I know how you feel..I too lost a baby through miscarriage. I was only a month along and it was painful, because I didn't see it but had a huge blood clot and what not and had to go to the hospital. And a realtive said you can bleed and still be pregnant but I kinda new I lost our baby. I had a feeling mine was a boy too. It was a year ago in Dec. but this time I had our daughter Elodie and she wouldnt be here if I didn't have the miscarriage, so its bittersweet but in a good way but not too. I couldn't imagine not having Elodie but it does make me value life and my kids life more too. I'm more cautious with them because I don't want to lose a child again but I'm not a crazy person about it either. I hate when doctors say miscarriages are common but no mother wants to hear that or even go through one! Plus, when you have babies you don't think about the bad things that CAN and DO happen you think about the good, the life, the changes, the names, the decor, the clothes etc. & to tell you the truth I don't think you can really get over losing a child because even tho we got pregnant right away (a surprise pregnancy too) and now I have 2 daughters, you still wonder and think about the baby you lost. I do, but I am truly grateful for him to be in heaven with no hurt, pain and suffering. But typing is a lot easier than talking at times. & you are allowed to have down days! We all do, we are only human.
    On a Happier note happy early birthday to your husband! & I love your blog and everything you do & make! :)

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  83. I lost my 1st one at about the same time, at about 9 weeks. I wonder about that little one ALL OF THE TIME. You're right, it changes you. I too find comfort in the knowledge that that angel is with our Father in Heaven. You and your little family will be in my prayers this week.

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  84. I am sorry to hear that!
    I can't even begin to think how that must feel like:(
    Will be thinking about you today, and light a candle in my window!

    I also have to say, that your blog is sooooo inspiring! Really! Me and my sister reads it on a regualar basis, I am just not that good to posting comments:( I will try to improve!

    hugs!

    Mari

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  85. Oh Disney, You don't know me at all and I'm just one of a few thousand that read your blog and have never commented. I'm there with you in your experience. I've miscarried twice in the last year and while it's a blessing in disguise the thought of that tiny life not being with me now is undeniably painful. I look into the faces of my two beautiful girls and thank Heavenly Father for them everyday.

    But take your moment. Treasure it. Love that baby still.

    Tiff

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  86. Im sorry for your loss Disney, Thank you for sharing with us, It means alot. You will be in my prayers and thoughts today. Hugs

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  87. It's OKAY to wear your heart on your sleeve for a day or even a lifetime. That baby will always be a part of you. Thank you for sharing your story. Reflection is good, centering and peaceful. Enjoy this time of reflection and hopefully peace will follow.

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  88. As someone who has experienced a miscarriage I understand your heartache and feelings of loss. For me, the physical and emotional processes were more difficult than the full term pregnancy. My heart goes out to you. God bless and keep you and your family.

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  89. I will be thinking about you today.

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  90. Although they are very common they are never something that is easy to go through. I had a similar experience to yours and it took some time. Now I am pregnant with my forth child and having a miscarriage is still a reminder of how fragile life is. I felt betrayed by my body and wondered what was wrong with me. My husband did his part, why couldn't I do mine? But then I realized that it could of been much worse. I realized that Heavenly Father must have thought a lot of me to put me through such a trial, he knew I could do it and be better for it. Now I am grateful for the love I felt from my father in heaven but also from my sweet husband who cried with me in the bathroom for hours. Know that there is hope, it will be part of you forever in a sweet and sad way, and that you are never alone.

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  91. love and prayers being sent to you.

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  92. I am so sorry for your loss; this happened to me, same way, except I had lost my 1st child to diabetes, had a healthy son, then lost another one(like you did). I later, had a healthy daughter!

    Everyone tells you it was a blessing in disguise. I can remember hearing those words, while I sat there numb.
    No one knows that...
    People act like you can't grief, what you didn't have, didn't know.
    I don't believe that is true! We need to grief, life began and ended, too soon. You have every right to grief, to feel the way you do!

    I also lost my baby in March. I felt guilty, my son was 5months, old. I had almost died my 1st pregnancy, had a precious boy then
    now, pregnant again. It was to soon, for my body. I wasn't sure how I would cope, then when I made my mind up and accepted this gift.
    I miscarried. I felt guilty for so long. The Dr's said, this would of been my 3rd pregnancy in under 2yrs...too much. My body need to rebuild.

    If you are trying again; may I suggest you get your thyroid level checked. It is called a TSH test
    Thyroid Stimulating Hormone. When this gland is off, a lot of women miscarry. It is just a way to prevent it from happening again, if the thyroid was the cause.

    You are in my thoughts~

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  93. Thanks for keeping it real. I relate, as do many other women, yet each experience is personal. I had a dear fried lose a child due to placeta abruptia at 37wks, starting me on a journey of reading her and others' stories of losing a child at birth, etc. Praise God we have a hope that is secured to a joy that's not of earth...and a Father that knows each of those little ones BY NAME.

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  94. Hey Disney, Sorry to see that you're feeling down. Which I knew how to help! Just know that your blog makes me smile everyday!

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  95. I'm so sorry Disney. I am a new follower and had no idea. Praying for you and your hubby! Thanks for trusting us enough to share.

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  96. Disney, I'm praying for you today. I know exactly what you are going through. At my 3 month checkup/ultrasound with my first baby, we found out that I had miscarried by seeing no heartbeat on the ultrasound. It was the most devastating thing that had ever happened in my life. It does change you, but in a way, I think it changes us for the better! I believe that it has allowed me to love my husband and second child, a 19 month old little boy named Caleb, even more! I will never forget my first child and am constantly reminded or him/her but, through his/her short life, I have learned to cherish every moment I have with my loved ones! Even the ones that only hold a place in my heart!

    And, it's ok to wear your heart on your sleeve sometimes! ;)

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  97. I have no words to erase or ease your grief, but know that I've offered up a prayer for healing for your and your family. Regardless of whether this little baby ever breathed the air upon this earth, this was a child. Your child. Who was and is loved by you and our God. May God's huge and boundless love wrap its arms around you and comfort you through this time. --Anne

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  98. I can definitely relate to you!
    My mom lost my little brother after a few months pregnancy, and now, about twenty years later she still remember about it. She also always said that she has four children instead of three. I always think that although those babies would never get the chance to see this world, they will be forever alive in their families' hearts:)
    Hope this could cheer you up!you're never alone:)

    --kristy

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  99. Hugs, Disney. Having been in your shoes before, I completely understand the feelings and the scarring. It never leaves your heart [or the back of your mind]. Hang in there. With lots of love, support and prayers, you'll make it through this.

    Lifting you in prayers.

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  100. I lost our first baby to a tubal pregnancy. I almost lost my life too (long story) but it really made me have the deepest value for life, at whatever stage. It's been the hardest gift I've ever gotten. I still miss that sweet one. It's amazing how a life so small, yet with a fully mature soul still holds a place in a mothers heart. Love to you, girl :)

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  101. Oh Disney, dear heart. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I, luckily, have never had that happen but my heart goes out to you. I wish I had more to say to you to make you feel better. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and you are not alone. Bless you and your wonderful family! The beaded frame, by the way, was gorgeous!

    Karen

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  102. oh, so sorry you had to experience this....thinking of my little one I lost too....and knowing what you are going through...I'll be thinking of you

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  103. Hugs to you for your loss. I've been there myself and kudos to you for being brave to put it out there. Indulge a little today and squeeze that beautiful Paige a little tighter.

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  104. Oh, Disney, I am so, so sorry. I completely understand - we lost two babies last year (one to miscarriage and one to an ectopic pregnancy, both at 8 weeks).

    I know we will always remember our little ones. And though it gets easier, there are still times where the emotions completely overwhelm me. We're still trying for baby #1 (though he/she will be baby #3 to me).

    I bet our little ones are having a great time in Heaven together! I know it's hard to not have anyone to talk to about it - so please feel free to get in touch if you'd like. God bless you.

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  105. Disney, I can relate...it is really hard for me to talk about my miscarriage with people that have never had one...they don't seem to understand. Hope you can find some comfort knowing that others are thinking of you and that there are others of us that have faced the same hardship.

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  106. This is a really sad story and there is nothing wrong with letting it out.. it must have been a tragic lost and i hope that time will heal everything. Sometimes it's just not meant to be and now you have a lovely little girl so keep your head strong!

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  107. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story, my prayers are with you today.

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  108. Hang in there. I lost a baby around 2 months along as well. It's a hard thing to get over and hard thing for some people to understand and relate to if they haven't personally experienced it. I pray that the Lord will comfort your heart as I know how you're hurting.

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  109. Dear Disney, I think you have a special talent not only crafting (:)) but also reaching out to people. Although we are sooooo far away (I am in İstanbul, Turkey)from each other and live different lives, sometimes I feel myself so close to you-like today...
    I know what you mean, and there's not much to say about it. Just wanted you to know that we are here and we care for you...
    love,
    ebru

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  110. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. It is okay to talk about your feeling every once in a while. It makes us human to feel and to be able to express our feelings. I'm sure by talking about it makes it easier on you and will help to remind you of where he is now. Thanks for sharing your heart with us today. Blessings,

    Jessica

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  111. Hi Disney,

    I just want to let you know that my prayers are with you today. I know how difficult it can be to deal with the loss of an unborn child. I had a miscarriage in August and if I would have carried the baby full term he/she would have been born this week. I didnt get too upset when it happened but for some reason this week it has really bothered me. I am currently pregnant with a little girl that is due July 3 and I know that without my miscarriage I wouldnt have been blessed with this child but it is difficult to think I could be having a baby right now. And I know that this is not that comforting but while working on my biology degree I took several genetic classes and learned a lot about miscarriages. A lot of women do have them, as your doctor has said, and the majority of miscarriages are due to genetic abnormalities that prevent the fetus from developing properly. I am thankful I had an in depth knowledge about this when I experienced my loss. It helped me to know that the fetus probably didnt have all of the proper genes to continue developing. It seems kind of wierd and cold but I guess thats the scientist in me. I am, however, leaning on God this week for comfort. Those who mourn will be comforted and I love that my soul can find rest in Him. On another note, I wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I L.O.V.E. it! You have inspired me to learn how to sew (thanks to your tutorials! and the sewing machine manual). I have made a few skirts and dresses for our little girl, and ruffled many, many things! I love creating and this is becoming a passion that I will continue the rest of my life! I just wanted to know how much I appreciate you taking time to blog and write your tutorials! Thanks so much!

    Blessings,
    Ashley

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  112. Disney, I can relate. The only child I ever conceived was lost to miscarriage at 2 months. I have go on to adopt the two I have, 23 and 13, but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of the little miracle, who's birthday would have been Christmas. I hope to meet he/she some day in heaven...I went to a group for a while to help me with the grieving. I recommend it!

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  113. God bless you Disney..^^

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  114. Even 11 years have passed since my first miscarriage, I still dream about the baby I lost. But now it's with a sense of loving wishes of what could have been, not the pain and deep sorrow that you are probably experiencing. I wish and pray that your heart is comforted.

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  115. Many of us have been where you are. I lost a baby at a little over ten weeks. It was early but I was heartbroken. I cried for a week after it happened. Our blessing was a year later we welcomed a precious, ornery, keeps us on our toes little boy. Praying the lord brings you another miracle.

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  116. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. Kind thoughts and prayers your way :)

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  117. I've been through it twice and afterwards felt like you-even after a year it hurt and worse when the time they would have been born came around. I lost both of mine on holidays-the first was mother's day and that was the toughest one-then the second on 4th of July. I didn't think I'd ever have another child-but I did and she is so precious to me and guess what I am having my #4 in two weeks!! The hardest part is waiting for the next one and not really knowing why I had to wait. Hindsight they say is 20/20 and as our 2nd child has been diagnosed under the Autism spectrum I know one of the reasons why I had to wait a good while for the next ones to come was because I needed to spend more time with the two I had-especially the one with special needs. It's tough and time does heal-but never does it make us forget. It also allows us to be able to comfort and give hope to others that are going through similar things in life. You are a good mother and I love reading your blog-just know that I wouldn't take back what I had to go through-it makes us cherish even more what we have and what will be.

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  118. My heart goes out to you Disney. It does change you. Ten years later, I still miss my two babies that I never got to hold. My prayers are with you today.

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  119. Oh honey. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  120. We followed up a miscarriage with a pregnancy and our now 15 month old boy. The pregnancy came two months later. I find it interesting how I can still cry tears (after reading this) about a baby that never was. Because the thing is - had I never lost that baby I wouldn't have my Hayden and I just can't imagine life without my bubbly little boy. I have to think that that baby needed to be with those I have already lost in life- that that baby had more to do after life than during life. Does that make sense. Or maybe that baby's job was to ready my body for the rough months ahead with all of my terrible morning sickness I had. Maybe that baby needed to just show me how much I wanted and needed my Hayden.

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  121. I don't know what's harder. Loosing a little life you've never met, and always wondering what they would have been like. Or, loosing the life of someone you've known and loved for years...all the loss. God Bless us all.

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  122. I found your blog today because of your crafts but I think I was pulled here for a different reason. We, too, lost our baby last year. I was 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We did find out he was a boy. I never got to see him either. And I know the pain you feel. There aren't any words to ease that pain or make it any less raw. I hope that you find comfort in your husband the way I have been lucky to find in mine. You and your family are in my thoughts.

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  123. I will join with all of those before me. I absolutely love your blog and get excited to see you've posted something new. I too lost a baby at 12 weeks and I believe that the only people who can understand how devastating that is are the ones who have gone through such a tragedy. You have a lot of company here and though we may be strangers, we are all God's children and so in that sense, family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of the others who have experienced this heartache. May God give you peace.

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  124. I lost a little one at 9 weeks over 4 years ago and one her birthday I still have to stop and pull myself together. Life is so beautiful and fragile, much more so than we can ever know. Go and celebrate your little one's life on Saturday! You'll feel better for it.

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  125. Disney, you are so wonderful. Not to mention a great mom to that lil' cutie girl:) I too am happy that we will see our lost little babies in Heaven. Being a mom is THE best thing there is...

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  126. This post was really heart wrenching. Two of my best friends lost their baby the same way at about the same time of the pregnancy. One was suppose to come over for dinner and then called that they are going to the hospital, I'll never forget that evening. The other friend miscarriaged 3 times, and the doctors kept telling her it's completely normal! She has a healthy son now, same age as my own sunshine.
    My own pregnancy was achieved by fertility treatments (Not sure if it's the right term in English) and I remember the fear that after so much "work" something will happen.

    I hope it helps to know that you are not alone.

    You are an amazing person!

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  127. I'm so sorry Disney! It is easier to write down our feelings sometimes, isn't it. I hope God is with you today. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  128. Oh Disney, that's so very sad. (((HUGS)))

    I've not experienced a miscarriage myself so I cannot pretend to know how you would feel in a situation like that. But I do know the bond you feel with that baby from the very moment you see that positive result. You must have such a loss in your heart. It's okay to grieve and to share your sadness with people. I think this was a beautiful post and I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  129. I am so sorry for your loss. It is true and amazing how much they really are a baby at that stage. I had Harrison at 21 weeks, I had a blot clot in utero that was causing me to hemorrhage and there was nothing they could do to stop it other then deliver Harry. He was perfect in every way but too small to survive and its been very hard to coop with but knowing he's with Heavenly Father and we'll see him again I feel at peace. I can say that I am now pregnant again and 30 weeks today and we are so happy and its truly been a blessing. I think that baby as well with all of us who have had a m/c or lost a baby know they are always with us and you will see your baby someday.

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  130. Oh my goodness can I relate! I've lost 2 a little after 3 months each... it never gets easy to lose a baby, but the pain will ease with time. I firmly believe that these little ones had spirits and that they were much too special to have to deal with the heartaches of earth. We'll see them again in the next life-- I know this.

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  131. thank you for sharing your pain with us. i've lost 2 babies through miscarriage and.. don't have too much to say except that i feel your pain. my heart breaks for you today as you remember the little one you lost.

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  132. Disney,
    Having been in your shoes, I completely understand. There's always a place in your heart for your little angel. God bless you this week and you'll be in our prayers.
    Beverly

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  133. I am praying for you.

    XO,
    Courtney

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  134. I still think almost everyday about the two babies I lost, even though I have two beautiful boys. I can't help but feeling like I lost out on 2 babies, holding them, playing with them, raising them. It's still hard. Thank you for this post, it's nice to know someone else feels the same.

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  135. Disney,
    Are you surprised at how many of us have been through this as well? I lost a baby at about 12 weeks (in truth she or he hadn't grown since 6 weeks but my body never rejected it, so I had to have a painful procedure to have the pregnancy removed). It was my very first pregnancy, and I was devastated. It was a little over two year ago. I have since conceived and carried a baby, my beautiful Louisa, but I often think about the baby I lost and what he or she would have been like. It's sad. I think we all carry that sadness for the rest of our lives.
    I was shocked to learn how many other have gone through this; my sister has lost two, a good friend recently went through what I did. It happens so frequently, but it's really not discussed much, is it? I hope sharing with us, and having us share with you helped you feel less sad.

    best wishes, Laura S.

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  136. I have been through 3 lost pregnancies...the first at 13 weeks, the second at 15, and the third at 18. It's so difficult for most people to understand that the hole in your heart never heals completely. Thinking of you today, and of your sweet angel.

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  137. Christmas two years ago while 12 weeks pregnant I started having complications. The day after Christmas we went to the Doctor and I was diagnosed with having an Eptopic pregnancy , which had to be terminated. ( Such harsh wording dont you think?) Even though now we have my daughter it still hurts just a little when Christmas time rolls around to think their should be two little ones... Ill say a prayer for you and your family. <3

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  138. Thank you for your very real and honest post, Disney. I am going through what I believe are pregnancy symptoms, even though I have had a partial hysterectomy and am over 50. I go for tests this week, and even though it "can" happen, the dr. is doubtful, so we are looking at other "issues". But it has put me on an emotional trip, remembering my first 2 pregnancies, etc. IF this was to be a real pregancy, the dr. is going to demand I abort, as she said it would be etopic (spelling?), I cannot do that, it would be a precious living baby.
    May God bless you and your family.

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  139. Healing prayers for you and your baby who is now in heaven. I think it's wonderful that you shared your story. Babies are a creation of God no matter if they have been born into this world yet. Thank you for allowing all of us to share your feelings and maybe all the tears shed for you and your baby will help you feel peace.
    Blessings,
    Lisa

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  140. I'm sorry for your loss. It's reminders like this that make me enjoy every special moment I have with my little girl. Conception, pregnancy, and birth are truly a miraculous process. I feel blessed everyday.

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  141. Thank you for sharing your heart with all to read. It's moments like this that we all can remember that we are more alike than we realize......

    I hope you are finding peace.

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  142. I think opening up about it helps others who are going through the pain as well. I miscarried at Christmas last year, and I don't know if I could have cried any more than I did. It was devastating. But, I found that by putting it out there for others, I was able to help those that were dealing with the same pain. Hang in there!

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  143. Sorry for your loss. :( I'm so glad families can be together forever. :)

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  144. you're a sweet girl. my first baby was a miscarriage and that's hard, you feel like you'll never have children again (i have two gorgeous girls now! :). i totally understand how you're feeling. it will get easier and easier. lots of love.

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  145. Disney, I am very sorry for your loss and all the mothers out there who have lost someone who is very special in their hearts. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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  146. Hi Disney

    It is amazing how many woman have gone through the same thing yet none of us will feel the same way but also we understand how it feels. People will say silly things like - it happens for a reason and don't worry you will fall pregnant again. Just take every day, one day at a time. My husband and I have lost 7 babies and have a miracle child of 5 years old and now finally have been told that thats the only one and every time I see a baby I remember each and every one. Hang in there all of you. Day by day it does get better.

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  147. I am sorry for your lose Desneiy, may god will make up for you the next try, every things happens for reason and your little child will take care of you in heaven.

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  148. Hi Disney. I have lost 6 babies to miscarriage and it hurts. Every miscarriage is hard and we miss those babies. I believe our babies are with Jesus, probably singing and dancing and screaming with joy, as only children can scream.
    I sent you an email.

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  149. Bless your heart! I can only imagine how you must feel, my heart goes out to you.

    Nicole

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  150. Thank you for sharing this. As much as I enjoy reading your "upbeat" blog, I appreciate honesty and when people show what they're really going through. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it will always be something you think about, but keep reminding yourself what you said about your baby never having to know the pain of this world. Heaven is his home now and that is the best part. I know it's still painful, but you are strong :)

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  151. I miscarried 2 weeks before Easter 6 years ago. I had a name picked out and a vision of an adorable red-headed girl. When I lost her, I thought I would die. Most people don't understand the loss because our society won't admit that a fetus is a person. They say "At least you weren't THAT pregnant." Our 4 year old asked me if we would get to hold our baby when we get to Heaven. I told her that Jesus would hold Aubrey til then. It never makes sense, and you don't forget but it does get easier even though I'm not sure I'm completely over it either. I now have a red-headed 4 1/2 year old girl, but I can't wait to meet Aubrey on the other side. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you, Disney.

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  152. Disney,
    Why did you post your loss. For women like me, women like you, and those who will someday need someone to talk to. I have lost two children to miscarriage. It hurts everyday. It changes you in a way that can never be described. Thank you for sharing your story. Our children are with God-how wonderful for them to be able to immediately wake to heaven and know that their parents will one day happily greet them.

    My prayer is that in your rememberance you feel our love and know we are here for you.

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  153. I just went through a miscarraige last month and you're right, it does change you. Thank you for sharing, maybe I can share my feelings more freely now. It does help to get it out.

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  154. Good for you for being able to talk about it, its healthy to let it out, isnt that what blogs are for.
    My husband and I lost two babies, the second at 10 weeks after 2 years of trying after losing our first baby at 8 weeks, its not something widly talked about but like all the comments on here, i think even those who havent been through it know someone who has.
    At least you are able to be positive 364 days of the year and i think you deserve this one day a year to grieve for what you have lost.

    xx

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  155. I had a miscarriage last year when I was about 9 weeks along. I even saw the heartbeat before the baby passed. I feel like it was a little girl. I even gave her a name. How could something with a heartbeat not have a spirit? That is why I know I will see this little baby again and she will be mine some day. Best wishes to you!

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  156. I'm very sorry for your lost.
    sincerely Erika

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  157. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve today...it reminds me that I am not alone in this type of grief. I lost my full term daughter when she was 38 hours old, so although I don't fully understand what you went through, I know all to well the pain of missing our little ones. I just can't imagine going through something like that without our Savior...can you??? I picture my Natalie snuggling and rocking with Jesus...sometimes it makes me cry, and other times it makes me feel good knowing that she is being taken care of by the ultimate Daddy. I can't wait to get to Heaven and see her running towards me and leap into my arms and then I can hold her while I rest in Jesus' arms. Thank you Jesus for your promise of Heaven!!!

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  158. I think wearing your heart on your sleeve in a situation like this is completely acceptable. I myself was pregnant with my first son in 2008 and did not know until I was 16 weeks a long. When I had my c-section they found that he had a twin that died at 13wks. I mourned for that baby and still have those what would he be like thoughts..it still hurts freshly every once in a while...unfortunately I did not get alot of understanding. I was told by alot of people "well you didn't even know about him why are you upset"..."you weren't even supposed to be able to have babies just be thankful you got one". The truth is I am thankful for the one I have and no I didn't know he was there...but for 13wks he lived inside of me and then he died....an unknown life lost is still a life lost....so greieve as much as you want...I understand.

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  159. I've had 3 miscarriages, and they were all hard. I always wonder if I did something wrong. It's been a long time ago now, but the loss is still there. Go ahead and cry for a while. Your lost baby must feel a loss and God will take care of your baby and you.

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  160. no matter what they tell you, the death of your child will never feel common...
    Every Easter is a bit melancholy for me, but the song "Held" by Natalie Grant helped alot.
    Chorus: "This is what it means to be held
    How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
    And you survive
    This is what it is to be loved and to know
    That the promise was when everything fell
    We'd be held"

    Thank you for having the guts to share your pain. *hugs*
    video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo

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  161. Disney,
    No words from me - just a hug and a prayer sent to you.

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  162. As one who lost many I'd say that they don't change you a little, they change you a lot.

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  163. Thank you for being human...this post was very touching. Reminds me that things happen and we live to be stronger. Thank you for sharing your post.

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  164. You are not alone. I just recently lost my baby at 12 weeks and it is a hard thing. You do feel alone, but so many of us have been in this place. Love to you!

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  165. I think sometimes we just really need to share our hearts. I have 3 beautiful, healthy children, and one that is in heaven, so I can relate to the feeling of just waking up and thinking about it some times.
    Praying that you will be encouraged this week.
    By the way, love your blog and all your fun ideas. Some friends and I are throwing a "feather her nest" baby shower this weekend, inspired by your post a while back.

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  166. I am so sorry for your loss! I had a miscarriage last week and had a pretty rough week. It is always a hard thing to deal with especially when you're so excited and so ready! I wish you the best of luck in the future! and thanks for sharing with us! <3

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  167. disney... all i can say is that i'm sending you lots of love and a hug and that you and your hubby are in my prayers.

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  168. oh hun. I know exactly how you feel it has been almost 3 years (it will be in april) since we lost our little angel baby, I was 14 wks. along with her. I was sure the baby was a her I too had a name picked out which was Kenady, had a theme picked out for her room, got ready to buy outfits and then went in for my usual check-up to the dr. only to find out that she no longer had a heart-beat and since I cant have a child vaginally I had to have surgery to have her removed, it was heartbreaking and still is to this day. I know someday I will get to raise her in the after life and that is very comforting, but I still day dream about her sometimes. since that happened we have had 2 more healthy children who are now 2 and 8 mos. and we have our 5 year old and life couldnt be any sweeter.

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  169. Disney, I relate. Only after my second miscarraige (both at only six weeks, but after years of "trying.." did I come to grips with the first one. I thought I was fine. I didn't want to be around other people, but I was fine. Couldn't stand to be near children, but I was fine. Only after the second one did i finally realize I was NOT fine, and got a litle help in gettting back to fine. I'm back to "fine" now, thee children and eight years from the second miscarraige, but it took a while. Allow yourself to take all the time you need... it is an intense and righteous and godly desire to have children, and a righteous sorrow for losing one.

    I wish I could help to soothe that empty ache you have.

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  170. Thank you for keeping it real. Life isn't always wonderful and upbeat. I'm sorry that you lost your baby and am glad you could find comfort in typing the words. Those of us who visit your site, care about you as a person and are happy to help you 'carry' your burdens even if it is just reading and commenting. I hope that you feel comforted by everyone's words and know that there are people out there who care, even if they don't know what to say.

    Thank you for your beautiful, fun blog and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

    Larissa

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  171. I felt the same way on our angel baby's due date. (I'm also sure this was our little boy...we have a 2 yr old daughter with another girl on the way). I am sorry for your loss and even though you aren't alone in it, it doesn't make it easier. I really appreciate your post so that I don't have to feel alone. What a blessing to know our babies are enjoying heaven and waiting for us to be home.

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  172. Oh Disney... My heart breaks to know this. I miscarried twins two years ago this past February. The pain is so real and it's bitter sweet for me because my son wouldn't be here if I had carried them to term.

    This quote has helped me a lot:

    "Every soul that comes into this world comes here with a very specific mission. When that mission is completed, the soul can leave. The holiest of souls need so little time here in this world that some never even make it outside the womb, others only need their heart to beat once, others not even that." ~ Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh

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  173. What a loss for you and your family! I had two misscarriages and I still sad over them. I am a happy mother of two boys and a stepmother of a girl and a boy. Children are the gift of life. /linnea-maria

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  174. We feel that we have three children, although we won't meet one of them until heaven. It's been thirty years, but still...

    Blessings on all moms!

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  175. Oh, your post brought tears to my eyes. I have never lost a child, but have experienced deep pain before that changes you forever. You are in my prayers. Praise God that your hope is in Him and your little one is in His care.

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  176. will be praying for you

    XO

    elisana

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  177. From across the Atlantic I just want to say thank you for sharing! Having lost 4 babies (all of them around week 8-10) I recognize your pain and thoughts, it' never easy! But keeping faith helps a lot. :)
    Lots of love,
    Philippine (Linkoping, Sweden)

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  178. Thank you for sharing your precious story. I wish you will find comfort in giving words to your grief, pain and love for this little baby you lost.
    When I miscarried 6 times and had a stillborn son, writing was a kind of refuge that God gave me. It was a way of sharing those feelings that you find hard to speak out loudly.
    Be blessed!

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  179. I never got to see my daughter either. (Like you, I was convinced of the gender, somehow, and I still am.) She would have been four this spring.

    I have two beautiful, healthy children, a girl and a boy, and couldn't be more content--but every so often, my arms yearn to hold my lost little one. There are so many passages in scripture that tell us how much God cherishes our children, and I know He takes care of them for us.

    Did you ever read Anne's House of Dreams, when Anne is mourning her firstborn, because she won't recognize her in heaven, and Captain Jim says he supposes God will manage better than that? It is just fiction, and yet somehow I know this to be utterly true.

    I hope you get to say goodbye. It took me a few years, but I finally held a little private ceremony in which I burned a box of rose petals from a bouquet my husband had given me during that time. My best friend and I scattered the ashes in the Pacific, and it was very sweet to finally honor Robin's very brief life, and let go. But I will always remember her, until the next time we meet; it will be the first time, too.

    He was your son, and you will always be his mother. And both of you are blessed.

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  180. I lost baby #2 January 27th (a D&C). I was 8 weeks along and there was no heartbeat. It is utterly heartbreaking.

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  181. I lost our first little one at just 8 weeks along almost four years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I completely relate to your sense of loss. Even though I know my beautiful baby (I'm certain we had a boy, too) is romping heaven blissfully enjoying God's glorious presence, I still ache every year on the anniversary. Flushing your child has got to be the WORST feeling ever. I can't wait to kiss that sweet face someday. Until then, I ask Jesus to kiss him for me.

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  182. Hello. I am so sorry. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost a baby last May. It is still a tremendous struggle every day. I have a four year old daughter that still remembers me being pregnant and always asks about the baby. Plus my sister is expecting a baby. It is all so bittersweet. Being excited about her and then still being a little jealous. My husband and I are still trying to get pregnant with no success. I'm just letting you know that I am thinking of you and will also pray for you. Sometimes that is all you can do to get through these trying times.

    Praying for you and your family.

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  183. I have lost 3 now. I have 2 beautiful little girls and would not give them up for anything. But anytime I see another little baby that would be about that age it gets me everytime. I cried reading this Disney and I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this as well.

    Your right he is in a better place and God has a purpose for him. Even if it were to just change you a little bit. Not that you needed any changing!

    The miscarriages changed me also, I care more, I cherish each moment a little bit longer, I think I love harder. It's just not a fun thing. I know exactly where you are coming from and all I can say is sorry my friend!

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  184. My heart just breaks reading all the comments and your post. I can completely relate. I had a miscarriage when I was 2 months along literally a month before we ended up getting pregnant with my son (he's almost 5 months old now). I was also devastated and all I could think about was never being able to have another baby again. Especially, because during my pregnancy with our first the Drs told us she had Trisomy 18, which someone else talked about earlier. We were prepared for the worst and then a miracle happened and she was born completely healthy and developmentally perfect!! I can't even describe how amazing that was, but deep down we always just knew it would all be ok. We almost never believed it was true. So when the Drs told us we better wait to have another baby after my miscarriage we decided to just trust God on that one again and voila! we were pregnant 3 weeks later with my son!! The Drs didn't know what to say :)

    I look back at it now and as weird as it sounds, I'm thankful for the experience of the miscarriage. First of all, because I realized how precious life was first hand. And second, I most deeply believe that it just wasn't God's will for the baby to be brought into this world, but the best part of that is we have a little saint in the family waiting and praying for us! Hope this helps.

    Jessica
    www(dot)subtle-tee(dot)blogspot(dot)com

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  185. Thank you so much for sharing your personal loss. I too have an "Angel Baby" lost at 11 wks 2 years ago this April. I think it is good to remember them as they are always going to be part of our lives and memories. I was lucky that I already had a little boy and I now have a 1yo girl who is such a blessing and I believe that these things happen for a reason. I would not have had my little Irish girl otherwise.
    Best of luck to you.

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  186. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to post this. I went through the same thing almost 5 years ago (I can't believe it's been that long!) I was convinced the baby was a girl. We had seen the heartbeat. We called her "bean". It is good to remember our babies because they were here for a purpose, even if we don't know what that is yet (or ever). I am thankful for the hope we have in Heaven. I am also thankful for the joy that little bean brought to our lives even if only for a short time. Sending love your way...

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  187. Disney, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain is just as real today as it was then. And that even though it is common doesn't make it hurt any less. He was and is your baby. I do understand, for I have experienced the same loss. I will keep you in my prayers and pray that God brings you comfort during these times of remembering.

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  188. Thank you for sharing your story. I too have suffered two miscarriages and they were both in the first trimester of pregnancy. I was devastated the first time it happened and after the second one I sunk into a very deep depression. I still think about my two little ones and it was by far one of the hardest seasons in my life. I will say that the one good thing that came from this experience is that it brought me back to Christ as I had slipped very far from him before then. I am happy to say that God has blessed me with a beautiful little girl named Brynn but I will always carry their precious memories with me forever.

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  189. Thinking of you in your hearty sleeves and sending some love and hugs xox Nina xox

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  190. Hey there! Although I am a usual reader I don't use to leave comments, but I couldn't help it this time. I Know exactly what that is, I've been trying to have a baby for 3 years now, and last did I got pregnant, it was all that you mentioned, happiness was there and we told everyone, but I lost it Feb. 28th, and the pain has been here ever since, that changed me completely and I know that only someone that has gone through the same can understand it!
    I did see my baby in the hospital, it was so little, but I think I rather not see it then seeing doctors throwing it away like I did. I hope that miracle will come to you again, love
    magda
    http://duasestrelinhas.blogspot.com

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  191. This is your blog and totally your place to air your laundry. I'm so sorry for your loss 1 year ago. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise - our body often miscarries when it senses that something just isn't right. But you know that. It still hurts.

    Take care of yourself today, lots of love <3

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  192. I will you keep you, and your cute little family, in my thoughts and in my prayers. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My mother went through a similar experience, and so while I don't know from first hand experience how you feel, I have seen how it effects someone close to me.

    You are strong, and I can tell how much you love the Lord, and I know He loves you and everything will be alright. Remember that you can always turn to Him, and talk to Him about things as well. He would understand exactly how you feel :-)

    Much love Disney, thank you for your example, and for sharing with us readers. We're always here for you as well!

    ~Chantel

    sweetest_kitten@hotmail dot com

    mythoughtsandtreasures.blogspot.com

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  193. Your post made me cry. I always have a moment like that every year too. It's hard, and I don't think I'll ever get over losing my first baby either. I believe I'll see him (I was sure it was a he) someday, and get to raise him. I think God will give me that joy someday. Big hug.

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  194. Just because "it's so common" doesn't make it any less painful :) I'm so sorry!

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  195. I lost my first pregnancy at around 9 weeks, it does change you. Every January since then I think about the baby's due date, how old he/she would be....It's hard. Of course, little Sadie helped a lot. Keep your chin up, and know that a lot of women out there know how you feel!

    Jess

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