Well it was bound to happen sooner or later, right?
Today I had my first real "selfish moment" about being a foster mom. When I kind of wondered what I was even doing and if I really wanted this kind of life. And this is really silly, but it was all because this morning I really wanted to go skateboarding and I couldn't. Because I had two babies. You'd think it would have been brought on by thoughts of sleeping through the night or maybe even just taking a shower without having to turn off the water every 2 minutes (because for some reason the white noise of the water sounds to me like babies are crying), but no, just a little urge to get out and practice. I'd been wanting to go to the skate park for a while, but there is never a good time and suddenly I had a little panic attack and realized that it would probably be years before I have that kind of freedom again.
I looked over at my husband and said: "Remember how easy and nice it was when we just had Paige? I really miss that..." He was like: "Actually, I think you were busier then." at which point I told him to shush because this was my fantasy moment and I wanted to remember it the way I want. ;o)
But seriously, I do kind of miss it. A little bit. I have this "free as a bird" temperament and mentality that makes me want to be able to fly around here and there without anyone else to worry about and sometimes that just gets in my way. To be fair, I did feel this way when it was just Paige sometimes, too. I suppose it's just my younger, more me-centered self still trying to hold on for dear life as my worldview continues to change and look outward and upward. And I can't blame old Disney for trying, but frankly, I just don't want her around. :O) Reminds me of that song: "So Long Self" by MercyMe--have you heard it? Good song. Anyway, I'm glad these selfish moments don't come too often. 'Cause I really do love these little souls.
...I still feel like going skateboarding, though.
:o) Have a great weekend!
Love you, friends!