I think if we're honest here, most, if not all of us, have thought about harming ourselves at one point in our lives, if not actually killing ourselves. (If you are right now, please seek professional help, beyond your friends and family.) The first time I had thoughts like these, I was 11 years old. I was overweight. I was made fun of. Being of a rather sensitive nature, it left me longing to just...not be. Looking back, it's one of the experiences I'm most thankful for, as it made me a much kinder and more understanding person, but unfortunately, it wasn't the last time I would want to die. As life went on, for other reasons, there were times when I not only wanted to die, I wanted to give myself a painful death, because I hated myself that much. Life is full of "reasons", and they don't always have to be big reasons to be real ones. Sometimes we want to die because others in our lives have, and we didn't save them. Sometimes it's just because we don't feel appreciated, or accepted, or useful, or free. Right now I'm working with a friend who has about a million reasons to want to die, and she's tried multiple times to bring that about. I can't tell you, after losing my sister to suicide, how TERR. IF. Y. ING. it is to work with someone who's living on the edge of it. (And yes, she's also getting help professionally.)
So why am I bringing all of this up. I had a little personal breakthrough a while back, and I really wanted to share, because it might help someone else reading: I don't really want to die...I want to die...TO myself. I've felt, and thought, that I wanted to die, but it's not what my soul was really craving deep down. I've always known dying TO oneself is a good concept, I've read this verse about 40,000 times: "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." (Galatians 2:20) but it's only been recently that my soul has caught up with my brain, in agreeing with it. I don't want Disney...I want Christ. It's what my soul has been craving all along, you guys!! I was unhappy, not because my circumstances were all wrong, but because I wasn't living my life like I was meant to: empty! Ha! How's that for an unpopular frame of mind. All my life I've heard things like: "You deserve more", when I needed to hear: "YOU ARE SO BLESSED!" I heard: "You should be treated better" when I needed to hear: "Humble yourself, like God did for you!" I heard: "Your needs aren't being met" when I actually needed to hear: "Focus on doing God's will." Not that having our physical or emotional needs met is bad, obviously, but it's the shift in focus that has brought me from miserable, to literally having to restrain myself from twirling in circles. We were never meant to live for ourselves, and I think that's a huge reason why so many of us are wanting to die.
Some of you might not be quite understanding what I'm saying right now, so I want to be clear, what I am NOT saying is: "If you're depressed, just take a Jesus pill and you'll be happy!" What I am saying is: I *know* something amazing: if you give "your" life over to your Creator, you will find the peace you're looking for, along the way. That's why He's asking you to do it. He knows you, He knows what you need, and He wants you to have peace. We've got to listen to Him!
I am still having ups and downs with this, I don't feel like twirling all the time. And it is HARD to die to yourself, my friends. The concept is easy, the execution is not always.
I would love it if you would ponder these things with an open heart.
Also, Sunday some friends and I are starting 30 days of prayer for my friend that I mentioned above who's having suicidal thoughts, I'd love it if any of you would like to join us! I'm even giving up coffee for the 30 days (oh my goodness, pray for MEEEE) which is purest form of love, right? ;o)
I love you, my darling friends!