August 14, 2015

Disturbing


You guys, I have tried so many times to write a blog post and I just don't know what to say. I have all the thoughts, but no words. Everything I type seems overly dramatic, but in actuality...isn't nearly dramatic enough. I'm going to fumble through it anyway, though, because you've been wondering how I am, and I just need to say...something. :o)

Today it has been one year since my sister's suicide. I can't believe it at all, it still feels like it's been a month. I still think about her constantly. Maybe that's not healthy? Maybe I'm obsessed. Maybe it'll get better. I've heard many times that the first anniversary of a death is when it starts to feels real. Is that a good thing or bad?

I don't really know what I want this post to say. Do I talk about her and what her life was like? I can't really do that, it involves too many other people. Do I talk about the absolute, soul-changing horror of surviving a loved one's suicide? I can't really put that into words. Do I talk about how my family has fallen apart since she died, and the second tragedy is almost equal to the first?

I could talk about how eery it all was.
Just three days before my sister died, Robin Williams committed suicide, and it hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. I was never really a big Robin Williams fan (more of a Jack Black sense of humor), but I felt so disturbed when he died. More than the usual sadness at the loss of a stranger's life. I just kept thinking about it. I remember texting my mom to say: "What's up with me? Why am I heartbroken about this like he was my childhood friend or something?"
The day she died, I was at a friend's house, shooting photos of this tutorial. At one point the subject of my sister came up in conversation. We were interrupted by my friend's sweet little girl, wondering when lunch would be, and I looked at the clock to see what time it was. Later I realized that I'd been talking about my sister almost the exact moment she jumped. That afternoon, before I'd heard about what happened, I was doing the dishes and out of the blue, started singing "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind. I hadn't heard that song in forever, and I remember thinking how random it was that I would sing it. I just assumed that it was because doing dishes made me want to die. But the strangest thing was when we visited the bridge that she jumped off to leave flowers there. It's a moderately long bridge, and when we walked onto it, my family stopped a little ways down to look out. But for some reason I felt really drawn to a certain spot further down the bridge. When I walked to it and looked off the edge, I saw what you all see in the photo at the top of this post: the clear outline of her body in the trees below. It was the exact spot she had jumped from. I don't think I've ever felt sicker than that moment.

That photo is really disturbing (sorry), and it's one I thought I would never share. But that's what suicide is. When Robin Williams died, there were memes all over the place saying that the "Genie is free" and lots of other lovely, peaceful messages. I think that people wanted to be kind and positive, which is to their credit. But there is nothing positive about suicide. There is. nothing. good. about it. I need you to know: it is dark, it is disturbing to the core, it's painful, and it is evil. There is no upside. It is never the right choice. It is literally from Satan. Don't do it. Don't ever do it. No matter what, please don't ever do it. It sends its shockwaves much farther than you could ever imagine.

Well...that was a very uplifting post, I'm sure. The good news...the good news is, you're reading this, which means you're alive. And if you're alive, you can help people who are despairing and depressed. You can be kind and gentle with them. You can train yourself to pay attention to others' pain. You can turn off the tv, and write an encouraging note. You can reach out to someone who is crying for help. If you know someone who is struggling, encourage them. If they respond with meanness, encourage them more. Love the garbage out of them. And if they tell you to stop, don't. And if they seem like they're doing it for attention...give them attention! They need God's love, and if they won't seek it out, let's bring it to them. And keep bringing it. And keep bringing it, and keep on bringing it. Until they get a restraining order. ;o)

And if you're the one needing it...it is waiting for you. If you are considering suicide, know this: you are being lied to. You have no worth? False. That's a lie. No one loves you? False. Lie. People are better off without you? False! That's a lie!! There's no other way to end your pain? No! That is a lie. Seek out truth. God is truth. You want to feel loved? Go to the source! God is love.

I guess that's about all I have to say about that.

I love you very much :O)
-Disney

72 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your and your family's pain.

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  2. I am so sorry for your losses & your pain. thank you for being so transparent & sharing your heart. your message is so valuable & may be just what many are needing to hear today. love & prayers, cheryl

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  3. This is such a powerful post. Thank you for speaking out about the truth of suicide. And, to me, the photo is far more impactful and powerful than it is disturbing.

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  4. I don't have words either, but I'm sending you all my love! ~ shanti ~

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  5. I am so sorry you have to go through this <3

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  6. It's been a year and a half since a cousin's wife took her own life, in the same manner as your sister. We were equally as shocked as I'm sure your family was. She left behind 4 children, the youngest of which was 4 months old at the time. Your words are very powerful, and I appreciate them. Much love to you and yours, Anonymous.

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    1. I'm so sorry. Those poor children. Much love back to you and your family!

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  7. Thanks for writing this. It is so appreciated. We are praying for you and your family. I don't know what to say. But we are thinking of you.

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  8. Thanks for writing this. It is so appreciated. We are praying for you and your family. I don't know what to say. But we are thinking of you.

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  9. It's been 35 years since my first husband/father of my two beautiful daughters took his life. If it weren't for my 3 and 5 yr old daughters at the time, I think I would have been in a looney bin!!!! They literally saved me and kept me going. Fast forward 35 yrs and I no longer cry when I think of him, no longer wonder what I could have done. I can now talk of him and smile when a fond memory enters my mind. I also see him every single time my oldest daughter smiles, which I am happy to say is often. She has his exact smile!!!!! She has his warm, kind spirit! He was in a deep dark pit that no one realized had taken over. Your words are so needed! If you know someone who is in despair, they usually call out in some kind of way. Reach out to them, love them, and most of all let those you love know you love them. God bless you all!!!!! My prayers are with you and your family.

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  10. What an amazing and powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I know this will have an impact on many people. I pray that the Great Comforter will minister peace to you.

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  11. Love you. I have many friends to support walking this same path of grief. The thing is none of suicide victims in my life showed outward signs that we could predict and intervene. This is the part that scares me most.

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    1. I understand you perfectly. Sometimes I feel on the verge of a panic attack from worrying about people now. You just never know how someone is feeling. That's why it's so important to show love to everyone, always.

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  12. So sorry about your loss and thank you for sharing. A childhood friend of mine committed suicide, and I took me four years to accept it and realize that he was not himself and was very sick. I had nightmares of me telling him not to do it and that everything will be ok. After talking with his family and realizing they were very much in his life and we're just as shocked as I, it made me realize how sick he was. I hope you find peace and acceptance. I love your blog. Please don't delete this. It may help someone in need. :)

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  13. This is a very important post. Thank you for all of it.

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  14. This is a beautiful post, and there are no words to express the sorrow, pain, and sickness it made me feel, but also the gratefulness. I have often needed to, and still often need to, hear the words you have written at the end, and I know so, so many others do, too. There are no words that will truly bring comfort, and I wish there were. The picture you have included simply shows your sister as she is now - an angel.

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  15. Here's a big virtual hug Disney, squuuuuuueeeeezes! Cheering you on all the way from Allentown, Pa. xo.

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  16. Hi, Disney.
    I ,m glad you have shared this hard feelings with us. And the hopefull words at the end. I believe it too. There is always another way out. Somehow, I do care a lot about you and your family. It's like I knew you.
    And I can,'t imagine what you're passing trough....but I really wish that you feel better soon!!!
    Lots of love!!!!
    Luana

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  17. Such powerful words, so very heartbreaking. You speak truth, suicide is not the answer! I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. You are in my prayers.

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  18. Disney, I want you to know that I take your message to heart. I have been there for suicidal people and depressed ones and I will continue to do it. God bless your charing, caring heart and I pray that there is some comfort for you and your family.

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  19. Thank you for sharing. I hardly ever comment, but feel led to share a link with you. Shaun Groves recently lost a relative to suicide. Some good words being shared there. Maybe when you are ready . . . .

    http://shaungroves.com/2015/06/phil-lineberger-through-a-glass-darkly/

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  20. Words cannot express how VERY sorry I am to read this post about your beloved sister :( I will be thinking of you & keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers.xox

    I have battled depression for more than half my life(since I was 15) Im 46 now, I have to say I've thought about suicide but would never have the courage to go through with it..

    wishing you peace & strength...

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    1. Well I thank God for that lack of courage! :o) But I am sorry for your struggles. It is such a difficult thing to conquer. I think the conquering process lasts a lifetime.

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  21. I am glad you were able to share this today, even though you sound unsure if you did it right...there was no wrong way to say any of it. You have opened your feelings up to the world. Hope you will look back and realize it was an important thing to do. No, I don't think you're obsessed! You're feeling exactly what you need to be feeling. it will get marginally better some day. The saddest part of it is your family feeling splintered apart. I hope that will get much, much better someday. Don't forget to take care of yourself and ask for help.

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  22. I am sorry, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for this post.

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  23. Thank you, Disney. I know that the words don't come easy when you are engulfed in crashing waves. It's made more difficult, because we know there are those who cannot seem to fathom the reality of our loss. I told someone today of the significance of this day, and they replied; "Well, don't be sad." (Yeah, I'll get right on that.) I love you, precious girl. We will find a way. Please, everyone, if you are hurting, never give up on your life. Take custody of yourself. Make a commitment to yourself to love and respect yourself. And know that, somewhere... I love you. And right now- where you are... God loves you. Beautiful, flawed, crazy, precious you!

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  24. P.S., I love that the photo caught the rose petals that we tossed down to her.

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  25. Oh Disney. This post. Heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly. I feel your truth, your exquisite, deep pain. I am so so very sorry. That is not enough, but I am. I love you. Even though I only know you through your blog writing and you don't know me from Adam. I love you. I embrace you. Thanks for being you.

    I love, love, LOVE these words more than anything in the world right now. "And if they seem like they're doing it for attention...give them attention!" People say "oh, they just want attention" like that is some excuse or reason to NOT give it. Guess what? That IS precisely what they need. And not just attention, but LOVE. SO MUCH LOVE. Up the wazoo. Constant, UNCONDITIONAL love. Why do people think more judgment of a person who is desperately hurting is the answer? It is NOT. I am here to tell you with all I have. It is not. This message like you said of bringing them God's love, and then bringing it and bringing it some more, and then more is THE KEY. THE ANSWER. What HE desperately wants US to learn, to know. The world needs so much more love. Unconditional, heartfelt, true love. No hidden agenda. Just PURE LOVE.

    Sorry, I went off on this but I lost my brother to suicide and have a sister who's attempted, and a son who struggles with intense anxiety and also depression. The Lord has told me what I need to do with him and it was never more discipline. This kid needs my LOVE. CONSTANT and unfailing. And my belief in him. I think a lot of people need that and yet the world is full of criticism, harshness, judgment and unkindness, and Satan takes that garbage and runs it through the mind and makes people believe it is truth. My heart is full for you, Disney.

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    1. Thank you for saying this Natalie. I battle severe depression and have been suicidal. The pain has been so bad that I felt like I couldn't stand another minute of it. When it's that bad, you are incapable of thinking of any consequences. Those who have never experienced this level of depression cannot know how much it hurts, when you think you absolutely cannot go on another minute. I cannot tell you how much worse it made it when people reacted with indifference, preoccupation, or judgement. When people who should be showing the love of Jesus to the world act like you don't deserve that love. People's lives are absolutely at stake if they receive judgement or indifference instead of love. The only thing that saved me was a friend showing me that they were willing to take time out of their lives to save mine. So many just went about their lives giving me platitudes like "trust God more" or "just try to be happy" or even "stop doing this to me." Your advice and Disney's is exactly what people need to hear. Clearly, a suicide is never anyone else's fault; it's an action the person took themselves (no matter how badly they just needed to end their pain). But, if only more people thought like you and Disney, the world would be a much safer place for those battling depression. It look me a long time to feel like God loved me and the world was safe again, but thankfully He put some people in my life who know what Jesus meant when he said all the laws and the prophets hang upon loving God and loving your neighbor.

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    2. Thank you so much, both of you! Natalie, your words have encouraged me so much. I'm so sorry that you understand what our family has gone through. And Anonymous, I'm so glad to hear from someone with your struggles that my words and feelings are on the right track. Sometimes I feel hopeless when I'm trying to reach people and understand them. I never know exactly what they're feeling and am always so afraid to say the WRONG thing and make them feel worse. But depression is so real, and is an increasingly widespread and serious problem. I believe it's partially because our society is morally insane, quite literally. And I think the only answer is God and love.

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    4. Anonymous, what you wrote is beautiful and I feel so strongly that you are SO loved of God. I am so grateful He put good people like that in your path. You deserve that, even when people don't show it, you do. The world is a messy and often ugly place. Disney, I know how you feel about being afraid to say the wrong thing! I think really, when you come from a place of no judgment at all, just love then people feel it and that is what is truly important. Just being with the person and not saying anything at all can mean the world. Your message here is just so perfect, and I was so deeply happy to see it written, to see someone else say what I feel too. Sending a lot of love to you both.

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  26. Very powerful post... Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss...

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  27. Thank you for your post. Sometimes we need to be disturbed in order to be properly motivated.

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  28. Thank you for sharing this, Disney. I have been praying for you.

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  29. This post is amazing! Well said. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and sorrows and wisdom. I think you are amazing.

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  30. Thank you for sharing your painful experience. You are right!! I love your message of hope for healing, too. My family has suffered from the loss of my brother for 18 years. It will never stop ripping holes in us.

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  31. I am sad ,mad,shaken and scared by your sisters sudden departure.. Life is a precious gift given by God. I am glad however that you had the courage to post. I am the type to push anything painful out of my mind and far away. I heard 1 year ago that she left but I neve let it reach my heart until now. Ouch my heart aches for every one close to her. And toward Nissa I feel angry.... Any how Disney comfort and joy come from the lord. My condolences.

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    1. Thank you, Crystal. :o) I appreciate your feelings for us so much. For some reason, I could never really be very mad at her for anything. :o) But sometimes I feel very angry that it happened. Mostly just so sad. Anyway, I hope you are all doing well, we miss you guys!

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  32. So well said. I am sorry for your pain. Thanks for being real.

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  33. I haven't read your blog in years but I just found you again on IG. I'm so glad you wrote this. I am so touched. And the takeaway is so good and so true. I'm going to share this with my teens. And I'm sorry and heartbroken for you and your family.

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  34. I haven't read your blog in years but I just found you again on IG. I'm so glad you wrote this. I am so touched. And the takeaway is so good and so true. I'm going to share this with my teens. And I'm sorry and heartbroken for you and your family.

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  35. ❤️ I bet this was so hard to write. It's beautiful and I think it's important to be said. Big big big hugs.

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  36. I shared your post on my Facebook page, and a friend of mine said she needed to read that. She had attempts in her past.

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  37. Disney...big hugs from over here in Australia.

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  38. Thank you for sharing and potentially helping others even though you are going through an unbelievably difficult time. I am sure this post was very hard to write. I think of you often and am sending prayers your way. huge hugs! Britt

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  39. Love and grace be with you. Thank you for this post, Disney.

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  40. There is NOTHING that one person can say to another to soften the throws of grief. I lost my 26-year-old son nine years ago due to lack of a heart transplant. Very different circumstances, but the loss feels the same. The one-year anniversary of his passing was, without a doubt, the worst day of the entire experience (possibly of my life). I describe it as the day when the robot Mary finally came alive again, only to face the reality of my new normal. Without God in my life, this experience would have been unbearable. But God is faithful and He never made me feel guilty about the tears, the screams, all of the emotions that so quickly and so often poured out of me. My heart hurts for you Disney. I know how you're feeling. And I know how much it hurts.

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    1. Oh my, how heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

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  41. My sister in law sent me this post. I struggle with constant feelings that the world would be better if I wasn't here anymore. I understand these thoughts are false but I have keep up the fight. I appreciate you sharing your perspective. It is Good for people like me to hear. Sorry for your sister. Thank you

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I've been praying for you, and I'm sorry you have to battle those feelings. It's a very scary, and nonsensical, yet very real place to be. The real you is the person God has in mind for you to be. I'm praying that you find the real you and can be aware of your incredible value. Never give up! Never, never, never.

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  42. Thank you so much for this beautiful and very honest post. made me cry and feel your pain. my father commited suicide twenty years ago when i was 16 years old, and it completely changed my families life.
    its difficult, sad and upseting all at the same time. I still wish i could just erase that part of my life, but i know that my dad didt mean to cause this much pain.

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  43. Such a brave post. Yes we do wonder how you are, we do think about you even though we have never met you and you live far far away. We are with you in your pain, you are a beautiful soul.

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  44. Our friend and neighbor took his life one night and yes, I think of him everyday. I am sure he must have not understood how many people would miss him. He was a first responder at the World Trade Center, an artist, and much more. One day your memories will be sweeter, more kind, once the pain travels through your heart, your soul, and your mind. May your memories one day bring more joy and love than pain.

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  45. Oh Disney! I am so sad for your loss. I am grateful to you for sharing your thoughts, as much as I know it pained you to write it. You've helped me and so I'm sure you have helped others as well by writing this.
    Lots of Love to you and your family!

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  46. Beautifully put. As painful as it may have been, I'm glad you did. Like you said, talking about it is how others can be helped, talking about it is how awareness is spread. God is using you as an instrument, a beautiful wonderful instrument. And sadly sometimes it takes a tragedy for others to understand. Be strong, lean on HIM and know that you are loved too! Not just by your wonderful husband and amazing kids, but by so many of us that have grown to love you by reading your words, inspiring others, not just by your amazing creativity, but by showing us how wonderful the Love of God is, through tragedy and all. Thank you for sharing your pain with us.

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  47. I am so grateful you posted this. I'm having a really hard time with my depression/anxiety lately and keep having suicidal thoughts. I don't want them, I ignore them hoping they will go away. Reading this made me finally work up enough courage to tell my husband. It was SO FREAKING HARD to do, but I am so glad I did. After I told him I could feel all this love surrounding me, all the love that he has for me and that I have for him, and for the first time in a long time, I felt safe, secure and okay. I feel like I can finally get past this shit. So thank you, for sharing your pain. I know it was really hard for you, and I genuinely appreciate your honesty.

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  48. Hugs. Thanks for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. Sorry for your loss.

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  49. Hugs. Thanks for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. Sorry for your loss.

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  50. Thank you for this, Disney. 11 years ago, my mother and I had to throw away the rope with which my father had hung himself because it had not been disposed of by the firemen. We both we're on the verge being sick. I can understand the roughness of your pain and really hope your post will help anyone who is ill and has ceased to believe in everybody's love. Hang on in there, guys! And thank you Disney for this beautiful and though-provoking photo of an angel.

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  51. This is a very powerful and courageous post. I think the idea that satan (refuse to capitalize that word) is behind it is probably true. Another kind of evil bringing about more pain and hurt. Praying for you and yours that you will carry on one day at a time.
    Nancy

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  52. Love. Thank you. I am a social worker and changed with evaluating suicidal children. It is never the right answer. Thank you. I am so sorry for what happened to your family. God loves us all.

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  53. that last paragraph though-- AMEN! God bless you for publicly declaring that truth! *fist bump!*

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  54. My mother died August 19 2012 at the age of 82 and I thought about her EVERY day for over 2 years. And she died a natural death. So, you thinking about your sister who died tragically every day for a year is quite normal imo. It's been 3 years now and while I miss mamma horribly, I no longer think about her every day. And the hurt of her leaving this earth has been replaced with the good memories of what an amazing woman she was; how she was my truest friend in this life; and how much I love her and she loved me, loved all of her family. The grieving process is different for everyone so don't try to make yourself fit into some self designed mold. I'm very sorry for your loss.

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  55. Wow.

    Brave post and may it help anyone out there reading it today....and always. We lost our son-in-law in August, 2014....he jumped.

    You're never really alone in this grief, are you?

    Love to you, your family, all who are hurting, and all who grieve.

    xoxo

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